Another Try
by ohEvangeline
Summary: Their friendship had survived for so long, but now there was nothing he could do to mend the break in her heart. If only he could do it all over again. He'd do anything for her, even now that she's gone.


Theirs was a friendship that survived the most unusual of conditions. It was born in unlikely circumstances between two opposite people and continued as they grew and matured. They changed, growing into completely different people and the world set them apart, separated them, and defined them as two persons that did not belong together in any aspect of life. Their views and values were different, their beliefs drastically so. Nothing obvious existed to keep them together, but they defied all odds.

He was dark and quiet, people noticed him only for his arrogance and unlikeable characteristics. His books and inventions preoccupied most of his time. Above all he valued the knowledge he gained through study and experimentation. Above everything, except for her.

She was bright and outgoing; everyone that knew her liked her. Her bubbly personality and her fiery passion for life endeared her to all of her friends. The people she cared about were more important to her than anything: her family, friends, and house-mates. But he ranked above them all, as her first and dearest friend.

It was their differences that cemented their bond. In spite of everything, the disapproving looks sent their way, the gossip and lifted noses; they were determined not to fall apart. The same boy that fell in love with her despised him, and she would have nothing to do with the boy's advances and arrogant confidence in his ability to win her. She spurned any affection from the boy who disliked her one true friend. She defended her friend with all her might, not caring what anyone else thought.

"She was perfection." whispered a man in his late thirties. He looked older, sorrow and loss had aged him beyond his years. Dark hair fell forward with the tilt of his head, nearly hiding an angular face, seemingly carved from stone. Some said his heart was made of stone, hewn by a despondent mother who had born a cold and unloving son, a son incapable of love. But stone does not weep.

Weep he did. He wept for every word over the years he could not take back. Every cold glance and every harsh look her sent her way. Everyone thought that, despite their differences, the boy and girl would remain friends forever. Purely out of sheer stubbornness. He ruined that. All she had wished was to protect him, stand up for him when he was being bullied. But his pride, stupid pride, his folly, broke them apart. One biting phrase and it was all over.

Nothing he said could mend the tear in their relationship or the break in her heart. Coming from anyone else it would mean nothing. There were plenty of those that would ridicule her heritage, the fact that her parents were muggles and it could not make a difference to her. But he, he was her friend. The one who would always be there for her, who would never do anything to hurt her. All it took was one slip, one thoughtless insult, and he had lost her.

He slept in the hall outside of her dormitory; he waited for her for hours, but to no avail. He was a calculating, well thought out person; she would never believe he could take it back. He had, if only in that moment meant what he said. If he had meant it then, he would mean it again.

"Go away Severus. I don't want to see you."

"Lily, please! Please, just talk to me."

"No, why would you want to talk to a mudblood like me for, anyway?"

"I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Lily, please forgive me?"

"I can't Severus. You meant it, I know you did."

"No, please."

"Leave Snape. I don't want to see you again."

It was over. There was nothing to be done now. All he could do was watch as she slowly fell for the boy he loathed, and loathed him in return. She fell in love with the boy she had despised because of him, now that he was not there to interfere; her heart was free to choose whomever. Nothing was stopping her. From the shadows, he watched her find the comfortable ease they had shared with someone else. But this boy got the kisses he coveted, the touch of her soft hand in his, the feel of her head against his shoulder. Everything he had ever wanted was never to be his. All because of one stupid, careless mistake.

He could never have been what she needed. He had too many secrets, too many parts of his life he insisted on hiding, even from her, whom he trusted above all. She let it go; there was no need she supposed, to delve into that which hurt him. But it was one more barrier that kept them apart. A relationship full of secrets is bound to fail, as theirs did.

"I'm sorry." Tears fell from his dark eyes, splashing on the scrap of photo he held. If he could go back and change everything, he would start with her.

_All the things I've felt and never shared_

_All the times that she was lonely with me there_

_Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes_

_And how I let her go without a fight_

He had found the picture in the Hogwarts library, in the archives. It showed the Gryffindor class of 1978, but only one face interested him. The rest of the portrait remained in the archive; it probably hadn't been looked at since it was taken. A copy of the entire seventh year class hung in the headmaster's office, but it would much more noticeable if he took part of it and carried it around. This was smaller, it stayed in his pocket always, and he took it out only when he was alone. It was not perfect, he knew this did not really represent her, this posing girl in the front row, but it was all he had.

Lily was the only reason he had gone to Albus Dumbledore, pleading and begging for help. He had always been proud, that was partially why he joined the service of You-Know-Who, to get away from everyone who looked down upon him and ridiculed him. But he never planned what came about. That fateful night he heard the prophecy was imprinted in his memory forever. He went running to his lord, excited with news that could help. After he learned what the outcome was to be, his heart stopped beating.

Lily.

He had pledged to do anything for his dark lord, and had planned to do just that. Lily, however, was another matter entirely. Over the last year he had done everything he could to purge himself of her memory, but it just would not leave him. His waking thoughts he could control and direct, but his dreams he was victim to. She laughed at him in his dreams. A vision that ran away, beckoning him to follow but never letting him quite catch her. Her red hair blew in a soft wind, framing her brilliant emerald eyes, taunting him.

If he lost all memory in old age, those eyes would still follow him. Their radiant beauty, full of laughter and joy, pierced his heart. They seemed to follow him, in the corner of his eye where he could never quite catch them. As soon as he whirled about, she was gone again. Potter had won in the end, he held the angel in his arms and Severus was left with remnants of memories. Scraps of days gone by that tortured rather than comforted.

_The reasons I'm alone I know by heart_

_But I don't want to spend forever in the dark_

_I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life _

_If love ever gives me another try_

"She was everything that was good in this world." He declared.

As far as he was concerned, she was. The war ravaged and scarred the country, filling every innocent heart with fear, but she was strong and good. A force of light that broke through his self imposed shadows, shedding warmth across miles and years; when he felt despondent and without hope, all he needed was to picture her face. The comfort that radiated from within reached him when she had forgotten him to everyone around her.

He could never forget her. She was the feather light touch of what could have been that still tickled his skin. He tried. Shutting out all of the light, keeping everything damp and cold, all that was opposite of her, sometimes kept the feeling of her presence at bay. But in between classes, as he watched the students, he sometimes could swear he heard her laugh and talk to one of her friends. He would desperately search the crowd of his pupils for her presence, but she was never there. When he was alone, he thought she called his name, calling him to go into the sunlight with her. But it was the dead of night, and she was lost to him forever.

Imprints of her dogged him. Teaching where she had once resided left residue that could not be erased. Potter had carved their names into the big rock by the lake, so he avoided it. She had loved the second floor of the library, where the sunlight hit the arm chairs and flooded everything with golden light, so he sent a student there for him. Every morning, she had floated into the dining hall first thing, earlier than most, smiling at the teachers and her classmates, so he was always late, eyes downcast. The potions room had been her favorite class, clean and dry with lovely light that made making potions a cheery job, so he kept it dark and damp. He rearranged the classroom, but in his mind he knew which table bore the grooves of her quill.

_There's no changing things that we regret_

_The best that we can hope for is one more chance_

_If the hands of time could just move in reverse_

_I wouldn't make the same mistake again with her _

Perhaps here, away from everything that could remind him of her, he would find rest. If he slept little and worked much, his mind would not have room for her. She was gone, and that was his fault, but she still remained when he wished her away. Though it was not with enthusiasm. He couldn't really sorrow seeing her everywhere, it was just that he was afraid someone else would see. They would guess what lay behind his carefully laid façade.

Even Dumbledore thought he had moved on. To the outside world, he made it look like he only did what he did to fulfill and old promise. But to him, the pain of all that had transpired was fresh and new. His silver patronus still took the shape of a delicate doe, just as hers did. Sometimes that doe entered his dreams too.

She was pure silver, flashing in the sunlight bathing the forest. Her steps were unbroken by sound or any other disturbance. She softly picked her way along the path alone, safe and secure. Then a wolf would enter, trusted by the doe. But betrayal: it killed the doe with one slash of its claws. The doe would fall and he would see that her eyes were actually a brilliant green. And the wolf carried his own dark eyes.

There was no cure for the deep ache that rode in his heart every day. It was self inflicted, deep and unchanging. Nothing was going to remove it. Pain of that kind, a scar that would never heal, left the carrier a shell of what they used to be. Nothing remained of her, she had left him forever, and it was his fault. Her son was alone in the world, and it was his fault.

"I cannot banish her from my thoughts; she is too good and pure to be forgotten."

In his eyes, she could do no wrong. Everything she touched was gold; she was worth more than every treasure in the world. He loved her truly. His heart ached with the swell of emotion that plagued him. On the outside he carried a cold demeanor, unforgiving and strict. On the inside, in the deepest recesses of his heart and soul, he carried her. She was more than his heart's love; she was a part of his soul. Her effect on him was never-changing.

_The reasons I'm alone I know by heart_

_But I don't want to spend forever in the dark_

_I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life_

_If love ever gives me another try_

He would do anything if only to see her again. If only to touch her skin, feel the caress of her hand. He would shed the tears he had hidden from her; he would tell her the secrets he had never revealed. He wouldn't let her go, he would hold tighter than was humanly possible. If only he could see her one more time, he would stop time so that she would never be taken from him again. He would take any chance he could to get back the friendship he had so carelessly thrown away. If, just once more, she would tell him how important he was to her, he could move on.

But no, in truth, he knew that one more glance would leave him begging for more. She was gone; there was nothing to be done about it. Now he had to live without her.

"I would do anything to tell her how I feel, how I always have felt about her."

_Oh the reasons I'm alone I know by heart_

_But I don't want to spend forever in the dark_

_I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life_

_If love ever gives me another try (try, try)_

_Oh if love ever gives me another try_

"She was the only one who ever meant something to me. The only one I ever loved."


End file.
